interskew: Inspired by People Magazine’s Busted! Unforgettable Celebrity Mugshots by Cara Lynn Shultz, I would like to welcome so many interesting famous people to the interskew studios this afternoon in our first ever review of celebrity criminal activity. The rich and famous are called upon to explain themselves.

Lindsay, total porn star there. The seductively parted lips, the bottle blonde hair and eyeballs which appear to be actually swirling in your head! They swirl, Lindsay, and the hypnotize. What’s going on behind those eyes? What is a girl with swirling eyeballs thinking?

Lindsay Lohan: (growly, smoker’s voice) She’s thinking, The lighting in here is gonna make my skin look like shit.

And it does! You’ve got the skin of a forty five year old red haired woman who spent her twenties dipped in baby oil! But Lindsay, you have an income, why not hire someone to drive your drunk ass and avoid the DUI?

I want to be real. I want to be like you.

I don’t have a DUI.

I mean, you can’t afford a driver.

Actually, I can. They’re called taxis.

(snears) I don’t do taxis.

No, you wouldn’t. Beneath you, really. Plus with the swirling drug addict eyebealls it must be hard dialing the phone to have one sent. Far easier to drive yourself.

Precisely.

What’s four plus three?

(swirling eyes) What?

Nothing. I think you dropped something (points to small bag of white powder on floor near Lindsay’s chair)

Oh dear, my baking supplies!

Mhm. Moving on, we now welcome Kid Rock! Fantastic! Lindsay, shove over, make room for Kid.

I love your mugshot. You’re all, let’s do this thing! The party never ends!

Kid Rock: You got that right.

You were charged with what?

(shrugging, happy-go-lucky bad boy style) Havin’ a good time.

Clearly. Face like that, how bad could you be?

That’s what I said.

I’m wondering though, did you run out of shampoo before going to the waffle house? Were you perhaps en route to the drugstore for more and, overtaken by the munchies, stopped in for a snack? Only to be sidetracked by a small fisticuffs and ensuing arrest?

No.

I was trying to say your hair, it’s a bit greazy.

(shrugging, happy-go-lucky bad boy style) Yeah? So?

Well exactly! Cleanliness be damned! You’re famous, you can be dirty if you want to!

(leaning forward suggestively) You wanna know how dirty?

I do not! Moving on! Oh people, one of my absolute faves from the Sad and Pethetic Celebrity Files. please welcome Nicole Ritchie (fakes sound of crowd cheering)

Aww, Nicole, you’re trying to be sexy here, aren’t you? You’re all, I’m famous, this will be on the internet, pose, fuck, pose. Came up a bit short of the red carpet, methinks.

Nicole Ritchie: I was trying not to throw up.

Trying not to throw up? Hang on now, that doesn’t sound right.

Really.

You know what I think? I have an idea. You and Lindsay can pool your vast resources and come up with cab fair. Right? Two siwrly eyed birds, one stone, kind of thing.

I’m clean now.

I don’t follow.

I don’t do drugs anymore.

Oh. (winks) Right. (nudges Nicole, is poked by boniness and bleeds) I gotchya. Who we got next? Ah, Jason Wahler!

Jason! Dang, you’re cute.

Jason Wahler: Thanks.

Who in the hell are you?

Pardon me?

Who? Are you? In the hell? I have no idea

I’m sorry, i don’t…

Didn’t you deliver pizza here last night? Did I forget your tip? Get a buck from the girl at the desk. Carry on. We’re conducting serious celebrity interviews here. Shove on.

But I’m…

Leaving? Buh bye. Next!

Oh Dear Lord! I think that one should be offerend in thumbnail! To protect the innocent!

Whew, that’s better. Now help me out, you are who exactly? Why should interskew care about you?

Lisa Marie Nowak: You’re joking, right?

Nuh uh. Not a clue. It’s like they’re sending me every jackass of the street. At least Jason was cute….

(adopting diginified demeanor) I am a US astronaut.

Who did what to whom?

Tried to kidnap a woman who wanted to steal my man.

Bitch!

Yeah! Right? She’s got some nerve!

I meant you. You’re off your rocker. You were an astronaut! You flew in SPACE! You could have gone and got another man! The hell?

(hangs head in shame)

Whatever. Move down, make room for Keifer Sutherland!

Keifer! Dude! I totally almost practically met you once! You’re so short!

Keifer Sutherland: (superior actorly voice with dash of humility) Is that right?

Totally! You were standing in front of the church where my mother’s funeral was!

Really?

Not, like, during the funeral. But you know. And my sister got married there too!

Really?

Yeah! But she’s getting divorced now.

Hmm.

So she’s single…

(blinks, smokes cigarette)

You available?

Could be.

Nevermind! Haha! She just got rid of one loser! Why would she want another! Haha!

(awkward pause)

(blinks)

So are we friends or what?

No.

Didn’t think so. Okay! Well, thanks everyone! For coming in and sharing a spot on the bench today! Bit squished, I know. If Lindsay wasn’t passed out at the end over there though, I think we’d have been a lot more comfy. Still, nice job everyone, well done. Especially you, Kid, you’re like a breath of fresh air and a dose of sunshine!

Kid Rock: (grins)

Tomorrow we welcome the next group of mugshotties. Join us, won’t you, as we peruse the foibles of the privilaged.

*photographs tenderly lifted from the People Magazine with many thanks for the hard work of the good men and women at various law enforecement offices who snapped these winners.

originally published at honestyrain.com on june 23, 2006

honestyrain: Super Duper Mega Star Tom Cruise! Sir! You’ve come for an interview!

tom: (grinning like a fucking moron) Yes! Ha! HaHa! Hello, Honestyrain!

Wow! It’s blinding, isn’t it? That smile? In real life? I can’t see anything anymore. I’m Blind!

Ha!HAHA! Now Now! HAHA!

I’ve never seen so many teeth. Seriously, have you ever counted? I bet you’ve got fifteen or maybe even thirty more than normal people.

Just the regular amount.

I don’t believe it. Lemme count! C’mon, lemme count! Open that bitch up! (moves toward Super Duper Mega Star Tom Cruise)

HAHA! Okay. HAHA! (opens mouth)

Egad! One! Two! Three! Four hundred and eighty seven! Oh! Tom! That has to be a record! It’s amazing!

OHHAHAHA!

Now lookit, enough about the teeth. Let’s get down to business. Let’s do this.

Alright. Let’s do it. Let’s do this. HAHA.

My first memory of you is in that damned Risky Business, right? Risky Business. I hated it! No offense.

None taken.

That underpanties scene had every giril I knew going weak at the knees and I was all, what? I hate his body. It’s wierd looking with its short little legs.

You’re no heck either.

Touche.

(grins like the fucking moron what swallowed the canary)

Then blah blah you did a car movie an airplane movie and then you married whatshername? Tall red haired girl? It’s slipped my mind.

Nic. I married Nic.

Tom! The teeth! Where did they go! You’ve stopped grinning. I can see again!

(silence)

You know, the funny thing is, I never liked her, never liked you. Each on your own you creeped me out. Nicole was always so vapid and you were, well, so Tom Cruise. But together? I liked you! I really liked you! That movie where you were a poor Irish guy what took up with the wealthy Irish girl and moved to Boston or something? Remember that movie?

Far and Away. HAHA! You know, Honestyrain, we were proud of that movie and the press hated it.

The press is stupid.

Aren’t you press?

No, no. I’m a blogger. Difference is I make up my interviews, am paid in pretend dollars and get laughed at by people who think blogging is tantamount to playing Dungeons and Dragons in some geek’s grimey basement.

I see.

Now let’s gather ourselves about the water cooler of the world and get to the meat of any Tom Cruise interview. Tom, what the hell is wth you?

Nothing! HAHA! HA!

People are saying that you’ve gone mad, but I disagree. I think you were always crazy cuckoo go nuts but had people handling you. People who would not let you speak in public. People who kept you from doing anything that would betray the established farce that Tom Cruise is the happy go lucky boy next door. They created the image of a guy too cool for school and by school I mean interviews. You were too cool for interviews. Those people were smart! They kept you under wraps! They wrapped you up in a great big tarp and taped a sign to it that said CRAZY MAN INSIDE! DON’T PEEK! But you fired the handlers.

I did indeed!

We were thrilled to discover that you’d spent the time becoming an expert in the areas of psychology, pharmaceuticals and telling Brooke Shields what to do. We were impressed!

Thank you

But what I really mean is afraid. We were really really afraid. Because not only did you have crazy opinions but they’d been released from under that tarp I was talking about earlier. Released into the general populace where you caused panic! and terror! and mayhem! and embarrassment! I nearly fainted dead on the floor from how embarrassed I was for you when you spoke with Matt Lauer! It was excrutiating!

Matt Lauer is a wiener.

Granted, but you’re a bigger one.

Am not.

Are too.

Am not.

Are too.

Am not.

Are too and be quiet or I’ll have someone shoot you with a prozac dart.

(silence)

How’s the baby? How is Katie?

Kate.

Katie.

Kate.

Didn’t we just do this? They’re loading the dart. Super Duper Mega Star Tom Cruise, stop arguing, sir, or I give the signal.

I wish I’d never come here.

Ach, settle down. I’m about to defend you. I’m about to say something nice.

Well finally! HAHA! HA! Go ahead. Go right ahead.

The Oprah thing.

Oh God.

No, no. You don’t need God. I was all defending you after that. I was all Oh He Loves Her! It’s so sweet! The love and excitement about the love and the lovely excitement oh! Jumping on Oprah couches from the excited love! So Sweet!

Thanks!

That was before I knew about how you’re a crazy nutter. When I found that out I looked back and saw Oprah as your coming out.

Dammit

Oh what! I said I thought it was sweet! For a second!

(pouting)

But now I’m gonna buy one of these,

(removes imaginary microphone, chucks it on floor) That’s it. I’m leaving.

Aw, Tom. Don’t have a hissy fit. I haven’t even asked you how to handle my barophobia! Tom! Don’t go! What do I do? Barophobia! Help! Keep me off the meds Tom! Keep me off the meds! (laughing hysterically) I need you!

(empty chair)

What a diva, that one.